fertilize bayard: 10 types of facebook status updates and/or "statusers"

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10 TYPES OF FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES AND/OR "STATUSERS" Are you guilty of any of these? 1. The Cyborg The Cyborg's status updates are humdrum, bland, stale, and every other derivative

U Can't C Me

Join Date: Sep 2004

Location: Where the Pac stans reside.

Posts: 10,909

Quote:

10 TYPES OF FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES AND/OR "STATUSERS"

Are you guilty of any of these?

1. The Cyborg
The Cyborg's status updates are humdrum, bland, stale, and every other derivative of the word BORING. This statuser has no personality or wit, but he does have a knack for stating the obvious. Examples include: "It is summer!"; "The Lakers won!"; "April 15 - taxes are due!"

It's very likely the Cyborg was raised by plants.

2. The Outcast
The Outcast's status updates aren't necessarily boring or annoying; it's just that nobody seems to give a damn what he has to say. His status is updated time and again to no avail and no comments. A pity thumbs up is thrown his way once in a while (most likely from immediate family members) but, in general, his status is automatically overlooked. However, the Outcast is seemingly undeterred and persistent. It's really quite a sad sight to witness.

The Outcast is better off just staying under the proverbial bleachers and sniffing glue with other Outcasts.

3. The Debbie Downer
The Debbie Downer's status updates have a way of making your shitty day even shittier. This statuser feels the need to share the state of her pathetic life and/or the state of the apparently worthless world we all live in. Examples include: "I hate my job."; "Men cheat."; "I'm having surgery... again."; "My grandmother's foot is being amputated. Get checked for diabetes people!"; "Ever wonder who would attend your funeral."; "Children and puppies are being killed in North Korea."

The Debbie Downer is likely clinically depressed and in need of real help.

4. The Philosopher
The Philosopher's status updates inundate you with nuggets of truths and life lessons. He's your personal Facebook Yogi. Unfortunately, almost all of his thoughts are not his own. Examples include: "We are what we think."; "If you think you can, you're right; if you think you can't, you're right."; "To err is human, to forgive is divine."

The Philosopher owns one too many Book of Quotes.

5. Mr. Popularity
Mr. Popularity's status updates often have comments approaching triple digits. Could it be that this person is likely the most interesting human being alive? No. Mr. Popularity is usually a celebrity of some sort, or some other person people may need a favor from. As such, the human leeches he calls his Facebook friends will comment on any and every thing Mr. Popularity posts, and he knows it. Mr. Popularity is so confident in his fan club that he'll often post inane and thoughtless updates. Examples include: "People are a trip."; "What should I eat for dinner?"; "I breathe air."
Yet somehow, someway, the fan club will find something to say to each and every one of these posts.

Mr. Popularity needs some real friends in his life.

6. Statusing For Jesus
This statuser gives you your daily dose of church whether you like it or not. He usually has good intentions, and you may actually even find inspiration in some of his posts. However, statusing for Jesus is sometimes resorted to by the desperate statuser who needs a boost of self-esteem.

Maybe you've had one too many unpopular status updates and you're feeling kind of unloved, unpopular, you know, down in the status dumps. What to do? A guaranteed anecdote is to status for Jesus. You're almost guaranteed a dozen thumbs up and a handful of affirming comments. And it's not because you've actually touched these peoples lives; it's because there's a lot of guilt associated with reading a status for Jesus and bypassing it without at least a quick click on the "Like" icon.

Statusing for Jesus for a self-esteem should be a sin.

7. The Entrepreneur
The Entrepreneur statuser has seemingly incorporated Facebook in the marketing portion of his business plan. His status updates are perpetually promoting whatever it is he's selling. Problem is you're not buying. Unfortunately for you, those are just technicalities to the Entrepreneur. He is undeterred in his efforts to abuse Facebook for personal gain. Example status updates include: "Avon, Sparking Cashmere lipstick, ladies!!!"; "Have a home in foreclosure? I can help!!!"; "Message me please if you know anyone that needs Prepaid Legal!!!"

The Entrepreneur needs a new business plan.

8. The Attention Whore
The Attention Whore statuser is likely an only child, or the youngest child, or an orphan - whatever the root of the problem, they're likely the most entertaining of the statusers to witness. The Attention Whore will resort to any and every trick in the status hat to get some attention. Their status may include controversial and/or inflammatory statements, updates in the form of questions, and even thinly veiled suicidal ideations. The Attention Whore will up the ante according to how needy and desperate they feel on any given day.

Examples include: ?I think Jim Crow was a good law."; "I really think I should give up, ya'll!! What do you think???"; "Feminism was a lesbian conspiracy."; "Do you love your mother???"; "Hitler wasn't that bad, was he??"; "Women are only good for sex and cooking. Any thoughts on that guys??"

You can't help but love to hate the Attention Whore.

9. The Tracker
The Tracker gives you a play-by-play update of any and every mundane detail of his life. Apparently the Tracker hasn't heard of Twitter. Nonetheless, as if your life wasn't boring enough, you're forced to simultaneously experience the Tracker's equally boring life.

Example status updates include: "Time to wash my dishes."; "Picking up Jr. from camp."; "At the grocery store - milk is much more expensive now."; "Taking my dog to the groomers - he's pretty filthy."; "Reading a book."

It should go without saying that the Tracker should not be encouraged; however, it really makes no difference to him. He'll fill you in on his every movement regardless of whether you "like" it or not.

10. The Ghost
The Ghost is that proverbial status updater who never really updates his status. Yet, once in a blue moon, this shadowy presence appears on your homepage with a status update. Sadly, however, the Ghost rarely lives up to the anticipation of his rare status updates. This is because the Ghost is usually awakened from his status slumber by major world events or occurrences to which the LAST thing you need is another update. Examples include: "The King of Pop is gone!"; "Yes we did! Obama won!"; "Giving thanks on Thanksgiving Day."

It's probably best the Ghost retain his mystique and just never update his status.

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Bench Warmer

Join Date: Sep 2007

Posts: 298

On Facebook, there's also:

*The Bragger

One who posts pics of homes, vacations, cars, etc.; talks about job promotions, salary, investments, etc. They always post their location of the moment - city, hotel, store, restaurant, etc.

All to show, er, brag about, how his/her life is better than others.